One of the nice / shocking things I discovered over Christmas was that people other than my mother and long-suffering better-half read this blog. Someone even claimed it was the best thing they’d read in ages, which I took as a complement (while at the same time blushing and hoping fervently that they are currently well read despite parenting a very young child). Armed with this, I pledged to keep writing in the new year. I actually enjoy squeezing in 10 mins between work and tri training or between work and bed to note down some of the stuff that whirrs around in my brain, often for quite some time before fingers meet keyboard. I often feel posts or idea for posts fermenting, not in an angry way but like a good cheese or wine just bubbling away until the time is ripe for them to pop out into the world.
Sadly thus far 2013 hasn’t been filled with a witty repartee of posts, causing the fermenting to almost reach bubble-over point due to lack of time to outlet. To say I have been busy is potentially the understatement of the millennium. In order to secure a weekend free of work, for the very first time in my life I pulled 3 straight (almost) all-nighters the week before last. OK, I slept from 1-6am but for a woman who needs 8-10hrs sleep like the air she breathes, we’re getting into pretty sketchy territory. There was method in my madness however – I was able to enjoy a fantastic weekend here in Durham with my better-half without dredging out the laptop out with muttered shame-faced apologies along the lines of “I really do want to devote all of my attention to you but I also really have to do this…” Good job too as he’d only flown in for 4 days.
The brevity of his visit and my long anticipation of it got me thinking about absence. The problem with being 4000miles away from your nearest and dearest is that you run the risk of being a double absentee; absent from your home-country, missing people, pets, life events, long chats and your favourite restaurants but also absent from your current home. Dislocated, detached and wishing for elsewhere or elsewhen. Counting down the days until the next conjugal visit does not a happy legal alien make and yet the temptation to do this is almost instinctive. You only have to look at the number of grown men and women who post “x many sleeps until…” countdowns on Facebook to realise this is the case.
So how do you balance the double life, holding down two presents on two continents? I’m still trying to figure this one out but what I do know is that constantly counting can be detrimental. If you know something good is coming by all means anticipate, after all the waiting is half the fun, but don’t let this take the shine off the experience when it finally arrives. An example (and one I’m sure my friends who share similar translocational relationships have experienced): on the penultimate day of his visit, James and I went for a walk in the woods. It was a lovely morning, sunny and cold and the State park was almost deserted. We walked and talked, aimlessly really, double looping back when the river was too deep to ford, ambling about, having a pleasant, normal Sunday walk. Then, as I looked at my watch, my pesky brain calculated that in just 26 short hours I would be dropping him off at the airport. And my heart hurt because the days I’d spent counting down for since arriving back in the States were almost over. Furthermore a shadow had been cast that couldn’t be thrown off. Although aware that now was not the time to being mourning the distance but enjoying the presence, a sadness lingered over the subsequent hours.
So the challenge is to be the happy absentee. For me ceasing to cross off days, like a prisoner or desert island survivor, will contribute to my ability to exist in two places simultaneously.
And before you kind souls flood my inbox with sympathy messages, you should know that I am very happy here in Durham. It suits me – there’s a bustle to the town that means there’s always something to do. I have great friends, an awesome job and the weather isn’t that bad either. Bring me my dog and my husband and this place would be as close to perfect as anywhere else on earth.